Step 1: Wear Badass Jewelry
If you come into the dog park wearing baggy straight leg jeans, a t-shirt with a wolf on it, and your arm stack consists of “Livestrong bracelets” your gonna get caught. Make your life a little easier and go in there looking like you own the place. Get on Cruella Di Vil’s levels (minus the fur please) and wear bling that even the most jaded New York fashionistas will ask where they can buy it. Don’t forget your cape you might need to hide the dog at some point.
Step 2: Formulate a Plan
Yes, it’s a obvious step, I know, but a plan is necessary. This is NYC where you need a masters degree to get a job as a waitress. Everyone here is pretty smart so your gonna need to analyze this from all angles.
Step 3: Find a Portable Dog
Good doggy, so small and portable. So cute and cuddly! You are mine! MUHHHHAAAAA
Step 4: Befriend Owner
Take advantage of being at the park and asks questions to make sure the dog is right for you.“Your dog is so cute, whats his name? Is he potty trained? How old is he? shots updated? neutered? temperament?” As a side note remember dogs are like people, we all have our good and bad sides so don’t expect perfection!
Step 4: Have friend distract owner
Your going to need a partner in crime for this, bribe a friend with free brunches. If all your friends are straight laced squares, tell them its for your dissertation on negative social interactions. If they ask why you never told them about getting a phd, get a faraway look into your eye and say, “there are many things you don’t know about me.”
Step 5: Keep Walking
This is the first time you will be holding your new pet so make sure you sing him a little song to comfort him, “rock a bye doggy in my arms, as I steal you, quite you will be, or ill have to run and being dropped is a possibility ”.
Step 6: Uhh I think I am being followed
hmm ok step 6 was suppose to be success but I am being followed….
Step 7: Make a break for it
The idea was to keep walking till you reached the gate, but once your found out its either abort mission or use your clever backup plan (see step 2) to ensure success. My backup plan was to run, hopefully yours is more strategic.
Step 8: Escape the park
If someones at the gate when your trying to escape, act nonchalant and give them the thumbs up. Really though this is where your accessorizing is important. Ideally they will be be so impressed with your bling they wont notice people yelling and running towards you.
Step 9: Enjoy life with your new “found” friend
Congratulations your are now a dog parent, despite your questionable morals, you now have a responsibility for this little furry life. Cook him healthy foods, bring him to get a monthly massage at the dog parlour, and dye his hair a little in case a bunch of wanted posters go up.
For those who rather obtain a dog without stealing it. I would like to direct you to http://www.susiesseniordogs.com/ . This is a wonderful organization, that helps old dogs in shelters find homes. There are so many old, wonderful companions you can find in a shelter, and while a puppy may be fun there are many benefits to getting an older dog too! With age comes wisdom, and many of us can use a wise friend to help us navigate this crazy world!